By Meg Naughton
My mother (right) and I during our last trip together. Seattle will always hold a special place in my heart.
Someone close to me told me right after my mom was diagnosed with cancer to get ready to see the beauty that life has to offer. It sounded ridiculous and insane at the time, as all I could see was the fear and pain of preparing to lose my mom, but I listened. I found that after I heard his messaging, I realized that the beauty of life is overlooked because we are so busy in our lives and we don’t allow ourselves the time to see the lessons that the world is trying to teach us. The most beautiful moments in our lives live within the brutal moments of the pain, loss, and loneliness that we experience, but we forget to look for them. This reflection has allowed me to look at my life in completely different eyes and has allowed me to view the events in my life as beautiful and full of life’s greatest lessons.
Everything changed for me in August of 2016, when my mom was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. My heart sank with fear and devastation, but I sucked up my tears and told her, “Head up, heart strong, everything will be ok.” I knew at that moment that I needed to become her caretaker as she had been for me and that the road of our relationship was coming to a drastic change.
The months following were filled with chemo treatments, oncology appointments, tests, and blood transfusions. Those months were hard for all of us, but I kept singing our mantra, “Head up, heart strong, everything will be ok.” After 8 months of chemo, my mom decided that she could not continue with chemotherapy, and her oncologist agreed that her body was not tolerating it well. The following month, my mom went in for surgery to attempt to slow the progression of her disease. Her surgery took over thirteen hours as they kept finding more and more cancer.
The following two months, I stayed by my mom’s side as she lived in the hospital. Her recovery was brutal as she seemed to get better and worse each day. I stood up for her when she needed something and learned to care for her from the nurses that stayed with us. They taught me to change bandages, give IV medications, and how to report the things that the doctors needed to hear. They taught me to mother my mother.
On July 19th of 2017, we received the news that my mom’s cancer was everywhere in her body despite the months of recovery after her surgery. Cancer had spread to her liver, her kidneys, and even the fluid around her lungs. I stayed with her that day, and we talked about what this news meant to her and how I could support her, but her weakened state made talking difficult for her. I decided to go home for the evening and come back in the morning so that I could take some time to process all the news without affecting her own processing. At 3 am my phone rang with the news that my mom’s body was starting to shut down. Had I known that cancer would begin to take her life so quickly, I never would have left her side. I was upset with myself for leaving her, and I cried the whole drive to UCSF. When I arrived, she was on a ventilator, and her hands were already cold. I told her I loved her, and I kissed her as they took her off the machines allowing her to go peacefully. This moment was beautiful, but every bit of anger, sadness, and loneliness tried to take it away from me.
I choose to look at the months leading up to my mom’s death with the lesson that my friend gave me of looking for the beauty of life in the most brutal moments that we experience. If I let the anger of losing my mom overwhelm me, I forget the color of nail polish that she chose the last time I took her to have her a manicure. If I let the sadness of watching her die overwhelm me, I forget the way her laugh made rooms of people smile. If I let the grief and sorrow overwhelm me, I forget the way she would say, “I love you.” So I don’t let these feelings overwhelm me and instead remember to look at the beauty of all the lessons that she taught me. I am thankful for these lessons as they have only been the stepping stones that I needed to continue to push my life towards that positive and love-filled life that I am living now.
As I balance my life of both working and school full-time, I know that I am continuing to make my mom proud of the passion I gained for caring for others through her life as I work towards my nursing degree. I will continue to remember the lessons that I have learned when life throws hardships at me so that I can remain thankful that I can see the absolute beauty that life has to offer.
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About the Author: Meg Naughton is a nursing student at De Anza College pursuing the field of oncology to give light and hope to those surround by the darkness of cancer. In her free time she frequently travels and hikes to see all that the world has to offer. Meg lives with her husband Chris, her son Tristan, and a zoo of animals in Hollister, CA.
